Losing my memory

I don't remember things that I used to. I can't make a list of all that has been lost, but I'm aware of it's enormity when I get glimpses of it by needing to look up certain facts that I once knew. Even the meaning of some words now escapes me.

I notice now that when some subjects are brought up in conversations, I'm missing key details that I once knew. How I know this is that there are still some residual associated memories that float by once I begin re-learning what I once knew.

Today I visited my Neurologist as part of my current battery of tests. Doctors can poke, probe, and analyze Cat scans, blood work, muscle tone, and physical symptoms. But they can't crawl into ones mind and see what is there or where what was once there has gone! I'm afraid the later is a matter of self exploration and discovery.

I brought this up to my doctors and was left with shrugs for an answer. My regular doctor rationalized my condition with the response that it is a miracle that I'm still alive. I like this guy but he could have been more sympathetic to my questions. I realize how blessed I am to still be alive, but I would also like to know more about what to expect. I figure that they should be able to give some straight answers after drawing all that blood, poking, prodding, and picture taking.

All they really did was adjust some drug prescriptions, tell me to lose weight, and to get more exercise.

Sometimes my train of thought in a conversation simply--stops. Or a word never comes out of my mouth that was supposed to. The same thing happens in written form. I will need to re-read this post several times for missing or incomplete sentances-- or words with letters left out. Since I'm also dyslexic--this current calamity has been compounded. I edit more then I write.

If my memory completely leaves--does that mean I no longer exist? Or just that I can no longer function?

The doctors have ruled out the dreaded altzeimers disease. Mine is the result of dead brain cells. Part of my brain was deprived of oxygen and simply turned off. Along with physical trama associated with this brain malfunction came the memory loss. So I-- don't know memory wise what I once did. But--I don't know what I'm missing until I stumble across it.

I have exercised and done the physical therapy needed to regain some physical functions--but there are no brain exercises to restore lost memory. I can still think and have not lost my investigative and study skills required for re-learning what I once knew. So I go forward until I bump into the need to know something--I already knew!

I suppose one of the blessing I now have is that right along with some memory I wish I still had is also some I'm glad is gone! Being a student my entire adult life left me with a lot of junk clogging up my storage cells.Now the junk is gone too. Or at least some of it.

I was going to continue here but I forgot where I was going with it. Not really, but humor is still intact. I thought I would throw this personal journal entry out in the blog so that when my readers see some mistakes, they will pass them over with pity and a piece of pecan pie.

Now what did I do with "what's his name" the puppy? What did you say your name was?